Psalm 64 1 Hear me, O God, as I voice my complaint;
protect my life from the threat of the enemy.
2 Hide me from the conspiracy of the wicked,
from that noisy crowd of evildoers.
3 They sharpen their tongues like swords
and aim their words like deadly arrows.
4 They shoot from ambush at the innocent man;
they shoot at him suddenly, without fear.
5 They encourage each other in evil plans,
they talk about hiding their snares;
they say, "Who will see them ?"
6 They plot injustice and say,
"We have devised a perfect plan!"
Surely the mind and heart of man are cunning.
7 But God will shoot them with arrows;
suddenly they will be struck down.
8 He will turn their own tongues against them
and bring them to ruin;
all who see them will shake their heads in scorn.
9 All mankind will fear;
they will proclaim the works of God
and ponder what he has done.
10 Let the righteous rejoice in the LORD
and take refuge in him;
let all the upright in heart praise him!
When we lost our daughter at birth in September 2008, we were told by someone very wise, grief in America is something people don't want to face. You will be deserted like a widow. When I hear about the experiences of people who have lost children, they agree. So, we were prepared.
And unprepared.
It hurt to see gregarious people hurry away and very shrilly say, "Oh, I can't talk, I'm in a hurry." And frankly, it must have hurt those people who hurried away. Because that was only round 1. If someone feels guilty, they don't want that guilt. So why did a 44 yr old woman become pregnant and lose a daughter at birth? They reason, maybe we were trying to conceive and we are foolish. Or maybe it is punishment - we deserved it. Or you were just plain stupid not to have an abortion at your age to not face this possibility.
And maybe sometimes, having a heart that hurt so badly, things just hurt.
When grieving parents join groups like 'Compassionate Friends', stories are told about the truly horrific things that are said to the grieving. (Not in the group, things said to the grieving in their life.)Things like: "You have the worst life imaginable, let's go around the table and all agree to this, people." "Oh, no, the dog is old - will that be next?" "Let's not hear of something this unfortunate, like this, happening next year." The week after the funeral, "when are you going to start working on your weight? Next month - "I haven't seen progress yet." At the holidays, "You are starting to look like Elvis." "Let's pray for our sister, I am sensing a lot of pride and spirit that has grown cold to the Lord." "I can tell you like children, maybe next month you could help in our childrens' department." From someone who didn't send cards or a flower, invites to dutch lunch where the conversation is: "I hope you are working on your mental health, now." "Are you thinking of selling the house, downsizing would be good for you, I know someone who is very interested. They'd be very lenient on the time you need to get out." "It's probably for the best, you wouldn't have been so good with a son / daughter." " I hope you won't talk about this for a long time and bring it up." Invited on a walk by an old friend, "You think this is hard on you, my other friend lost a child and it has just made me so depressed"... the rest of the walk is about that person's wounded sensibilities. Or.... people pretend not to see you or just talk over you in conversations.
So... even if you are 4 or 100 years old, this is called verbal abuse. Sometimes it is speaking having not thought. Sometimes it's called bullying because there is malice.
The Scriptures have advice on verbal abuse. More about that later.
What do the Leading Experts on Defense For Verbal Abuse have to say? They almost all agree.
Verbal defense, for comments or rudeness in being ignored.
1. Acknowledge to yourself, you are under attack
2. You do not have to reply – maintain eye contact or just leave
3. You might, repeat what they have said - with emphasis
4. You do not owe a response
5. Do not agree.
6. Be confident, firm, modest
7. Do not go for the jugular, in attempt to verbally kill the speaker - i.e. do not insult back
8. Do not assume the speaker is your enemy.
So, what is the Scriptural advice?
Matthew 5:39
But I say to you, That you resist not evil: but whoever shall smite you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also.
Luke 6:29
Whoever hits you on the cheek, offer him the other also
Wow. With the Word being living and active, I'd say that sometimes turning the other cheek is walking away. This is gold. We have now discovered why the Roman Empire, world conquers all, wanted to know Jesus Christ in just a few years. Such a difference from the eye for an eye - mean, old world.
Why does this work for verbal abuse? A. it informs the person they have been rude. B. It does not require you to be kicked again - verbally. C. It allows plenty of room for both parties to forgive. D. It allows for your dignity not to reply.
Perfect. Especially if you are like me and you will think of the witty come-back in a week. Offer the other "cheek".... repeat their comment back to them (cheek). If they start in on you again, offer the next cheek and just walk away. No need for nervousness.
This particular passage is about the mob mentality of people, this advice works for a group. Feel compassion for the bully who seeks power so badly, in such a distorted way. There is an apt phrase for the bully as well:
Ecclesiastes 11:1
Put out your bread on the face of the waters;
for after a long time it will come back to you again.
It is the Biblical version of - what goes around comes around. The bully only alienates himself in the long run. Perfect love casts out fear.
But the reason this works is this....
John 1:9
The true light that gives light to every man was coming into the world.
We all have fallen short of the glory of God. Forgiveness is the key. God testifies that even the bully has light of Christ in Him.
Father God, when it hurts, You are there. Guide us and lead us in living in Your light and basking in Your goodness. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
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